i am a sick fuck

and sometimes i scare myself for thinking the thoughts that i have. self-censorship is mental perversion at its worst, it is fucked up quality brain fucking and after you're done with it, you don't recognise yourself anymore because the layers upon layers of repression starts messing with you and suddenly you don't know who you are, what the fuck in the world you're doing and the self doubt creeps in and makes you wonder if life is worth living at all because basically everyday is just another grind to the finish. voicing my opinion doesn't seem to matter as much anymore and making myself heard over the masses of screaming retards is just really pointless because i don't seem to have anything worthy to say. this is really messing up my brain and i can't trust anybody to listen and not think i'm a fucking moron for thinking the things that i do. to think you know yourself and find that the knowledge cannot withstand close scrutiny is a big fucking slap in the face. i don't know when i started lying to myself, i don't know when it's going to stop, i don't even know if i want it to stop because it's comforting to at least have a safety net to break my fall even if i know it's going to tear anyways. it's like 4.49am in the morning and i'm spewing verbal diarrhea i have no idea what the fuck i'm talking about because this is a totally random post.